


Fool of the matinée

by AssHolHorse



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crushes, Elder sister Perona, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sibling Bonding, punk aesthetics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24328381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssHolHorse/pseuds/AssHolHorse
Summary: "I'm surprised, though." He stopped right in front of the first step, body slightly turned Zoro's way. "That your father and sister would be so fashionable. They really know how to wear the goth aesthetic. 'Dunno what went wrong with you, though. "
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 16
Kudos: 134





	Fool of the matinée

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic about messing with Zoro's looks. I swear it's not intentional.  
> You can thank my friend for bringing all of these concepts up. This would actually be longer but I wrote it in one sitting and thought about 4000 words were enough for a fic on its own rather than develop it completely. I'm no good with long stories. There's this Abbabruno long fic that I have almost finished but that can't bring myself to actually end, and I'd like to have it complete before I post it. I don't do well with writting and posting as I go.   
> I also had some other rispro in mind, along the lines of the other fics I wrote about those characters, maybe a continuation... But it's finals season.   
> So I won't promise what I can't swear.
> 
> Also Kuina is alive in this, I like her alive.
> 
> I might change the title.

If Zoro had to point down the moment his style change started, he'd specifically say the fatidic day he brought Sanji to his house. Now, they weren't dating but his father had been nagging him trying to make him spill whoever was this _secret lover_ he kept hiding from his all-seeing hawk eyes, and as all the bad events that tested Zoro's wits and soul, it was because of Perona.

"What the hell are you yapping, woman?!" he yelled the moment his older sister identified Sanji as this mystery boyfriend Zoro was hiding. Of course, the mention of the word had brought Mihawk forward, who got up from the loveseat in the living room and made a point by striding towards the door with the solemnity of a monk.

"What the fuck do you go around saying?! I-" Sanji was cut short by Mihawk's cutting attention, stopping him mid motion of smacking Zoro's nape. He straightened his back and faced the older man properly. "Nice to meet you, sir I'm Sanji Redleg."

Mihawk disregarded the polite introduction in favour of turning his head just-so-slightly his son's way, and claiming in a deadpan expression "I expected him to be more of a delinquent. Won't you happen to be Zeff's kid?"

"Yes sir!" the boy replied with almost practiced ease. For the fame Sanji had, Zoro would assume he had had to meet a lot of his past conquest's-if one had the tact to acknowledge the coddling he focused on some random girl for a week until they grew tired as conquest- parents.

Zoro was certain at this point Sanji's gears were turning inside his head. He hadn't pinned the blonde for such a goody-two-shoes with parents but maybe some of it was related to Mihawk's imposing figure. It wasn't like Sanji was small himself. They were on their last year of high-school and Sanji was closer to metre eighty than anything, but somehow looked nervous around his father. Maybe it was because Zoro had been with his oddball of parent for longer than he cares to remember, but in his opinion, Dracule Mihawk wasn't that imposing, and Sanji had no reason to straighten up like that, and act as if he had never gotten in a fight in the middle of the street (in Zoro's opinion and taking into account the way his father was, Zoro was certain the older man would appreciate his sparring even if he would regard it with a stone-cold gaze).

Eventually Mihawk moved to his study, and Sanji slumped forward the moment he got out of sight. "Damn" he complained. "That has been tenser than the day I burnt one of Zeff's favourite pans with an experimental recipe" he muttered. Zoro guffawed. "What's with you?! Fuck you mosshead!"

"Yis sir" Zoro mimicked, straightening his back in the most exaggerated way he could. "Pff, didn't take you for a wuss."

Sanji kicked him on the back of his legs as he moved towards the stairs, making Zoro stumble forward and almost hit himself with a table. "Shitty mosshead" he cursed under his breath. "I'm surprised, though." He stopped right in front of the first step, body slightly turned Zoro's way. "That your father and sister would be so fashionable. They really know how to wear the goth aesthetic." He shot Zoro a disdainful once-over at his black and green tracksuit before turning and moving to the upper floor with the air of a spoiled cat who had roamed the house for years " 'Dunno what went wrong with you, though. I guess circus plant is more of your style."

"Oi fuckhead come here and say that to my face!" Zoro ran up, skipping two steps at a time and ready to spar in the middle of the rather wide but dark corridor when Perona peeked out of her bedroom.

"You know what, Sanji? You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT."

"You shut it witch!" Zoro yelled as Sanji moved away from a grappling fist like it was as natural as breathing.

"Of course lovely Perona would prove to be the one with taste of the two siblings!" he sing-songed. Perona frowned just a little under her pink fringe wondering where in hell had Sanji heard her name, but she assumed her brother would whine about her 'annoying obsession with pink shit and stuff' just alright. Because the blonde was facing the girl with arms akimbo, blocking attacks he knew by heart from Zoro, he didn't take notice of the very embarrassed expression his opponent was making. The untrained eye would have taken it as pure undivided wrath, but his petty arm wrestling with Sanji was barely more than a child’s play compared with the fight they put up to kill time. "If he only had some of your taste it wouldn't be so embarrassing to take him to places" he complained.

Maybe it hurt his pride a little the fact that his sister started thinking rather than defending that absolutely untrue statement about him.

"Actually" she pointed out. "He does have something that qualifies as decent! I get him leather clothes and designer stuff for his birthday every year, you know? And make sure it's stretchy or at least can be laced into a bigger size because _someone_ likes to muscle out of clothes regularly."

There was a moment of silence and stillness where Perona and Sanji held each other's gaze. When a creepy doll-like grin appeared on both their faces, Zoro knew he was done for.

Now, the first fifteen minutes had consisted of two people trying to drive him down onto the plush, pink, rose-spotted pattern of Perona's comforter cover. She had had at least some decency, deciding that she was definitely not going to expose Zoro to the shame of this probably unplanned trip to his house and his landmine field of a room. He heard her rustling about, then some metal clanck-"Perona you better not be fucking with my swords!"- and finally his older sister appeared through the door of her own room with an armful of clothes, a concoction of black, lighter black, darker black, some patterns, spikes and studs, and his favourite military boots (although he wouldn't say it out loud because those were a gift from her as well and she didn't need her ego even more stroked).

When Perona closed the bedroom door, Zoro knew he was done for.

Sanji finally got off him in order to examine the garments Perona brought with almost childlike fascination, rubbing his fingers on the leather looking rather happy with what he was seeing. "You have this kind of stuff around and decide to dress like" he shot a pointed look at Zoro "instead? Really?"

Perona removed the snap-on and buckle-on spiked armbands she had worn for the sake of not adding them to the precarious balance of pile of clothes. "I know, right?!" Perona pointed at a pair of red, black, and yellow tartan pants with a chain attached to them. "Those are Versace! I got them for him right when they got on the stores and he doesn't wear them!" Zoro rested on the queen-sized bed like it was his own room, eyes closed and apparently napping save for the little pout he had and the occasional low grumble that confirmed he was at least awake enough to protest. Twenty minutes later, the pair of makeshift stylists had decided on an outfit and had pushed Zoro with the bulk into the bathroom to get dressed. Meanwhile, Perona had gone about her vanity, rustling through the drawers and pulling little bottles and tubes from them with unchallenged enthusiasm. Sanji was sitting on the bed, folding the clothes that could be folded from the small mountain of pillaged items from Zoro. On the meantime, he took notice of the walls. Despite the bedroom having that sort of clean-neat-and-arranged feeling that made the room feel not lived-in in most part, the two shelves that hung over the bed were packed with framed pictures and some creepy-cute decoration that, in Sanji's opinion, was coherent with what little he knew about Perona. The pictures showed a pair of kids with hair colours much unlike their current bright ones. The boy, a head or so shorter than the girl, holding a small trophy while trying to break free from the taller girl's persistent ruffling on his hair. He smiled a little. In a different photo the kids, now around thirteen and seventeen, after an obvious growing spurt on the boy's side, were looking around a bunch of blankets that made for a makeshift nest for some sort of _actual bird that just hatched out of the egg_ and on top of that didn't look at all like a domestic chicken hatchlings. Sanji didn't dare ask but he wouldn't be that surprised if a man like Mihawk had a bird of prey as a pet. Every picture framed a fond memory that was just a little out of the ordinary but that made it clear the affection the siblings had for each other. Sanji felt a small pang in his chest.

Zoro finally exited the bathroom, having somehow managed to get one of the chains on the belt tangled in an incomprehensible knot of links with the chains on the pants. The leather jacket he donned was probably the only thing Sanji recognised, the emblem of a dojo sewn on the left arm and worn with pride. Over time he had added some other patch with a cool design he had considered worthy of a place in The Jacket, many of them presents from friends and stubbornly sown by Usopp when Zoro handed them to him, no words exchanged. Underneath, the tank top he wore had a faded dark blue motif that was probably intentional on the designer's part , and on top of that rested a few metal pendants, a military tag and, curling around his neck , a spiked collar that matched one Sanji had seen at a pet shop at some point. Sanji smirked. The new and old on his outfit clashed with the focused stare Zoro had on him. Sanji would have sworn Zoro was sulking, just a little.

"Laugh and I'll choke you with the chains."

"Ah" was the most clever thing Sanji could reply for a few seconds. "No, no, you actually look good for once. Like, it suits you. Somehow." If he took notice of the looks Perona was shooting his way, he didn't show it and he soon got distracted by the fussing of the woman handing him a small, glossy bottle.

"You paint his nails" she commanded without missing a beat. The questioning yell she got from both men forced her to develop. "I'll do his makeup."

"No way!" Zoro protested but couldn't ultimately fight the position as a dress-up doll.

"C'mon chop chop. Based on what I've seen, you're probably that perverted cook he doesn't shut up about and that means you probably do this on a daily basis for Nico and Nami."

"...He talks about me?"

"To complain about your curly brow 'cause it's like a hypnotic spiral!" Zoro spat back before the other finished the sentence.

Sanji huffed. "Sure, grass stain." He couldn't completely conceal the disappointment in his voice. "Now lovely Perona I have to say you have a very good eye for deduction" he praised, then smacked one of Zoro's fists. "Extend your fingers so you can have a try at being proper."

"Proper my ass! You aren’t putting that shit on-"

Perona made the kind of face that not only indicated she had a secret to use against him, but that she wouldn't hesitate on abusing that privilege. "You fucking witch" Zoro replied, face dusted with red and betrayal.

He finally opened his hand and Sanji took it in his own, examining the short, blunt nails and the calloused texture he felt under his touch. "This won't do" he declared as if he was an expert. "Perona, dear, do you have a nail file somewhere?"

" 'S in the bathroom" she answered, the cap of the eyeliner she was using on Zoro held tightly between her painted lips. " 'ring the heer hel ‘goo."

"Hair gel, got it." He disappeared behind the varnished door.

The moment the sound of cabinets opening and closing started, Perona removed the cap from her mouth and held her brother by the cheeks as if speaking to a really cute animal.

"No" Zoro threatened.

"My" Perona started, hushed voice barely audible even for Zoro. "Brat. Of. A. Baby. Brother. Has. A. CRUSHIE!" Zoro tried to shake her off but her grip didn't relent.

"Where do you have the hair gel?" A question shot from the bathroom.

"On the big cabinet, not the one for the towels, around the hairspray and dyes" Perona replied. They thought they heard a huff.

Perona turned and went back to her tormenting. "Little Zoro has a crushieee! On the little blonde fool!" If the gleeful expression she ha on was anything to go by, she was having the time of her life.

"Quit rubbing it on my face! You are seeing how he is..." Zoro spat bitterly.

"Oh Zoro, Zoro, Zoro, little, dummy, baby Zoro." The aforementioned struggled some more to break free. "If he doesn't have even a little bit of interest on you..." A quiet _Found it!_ echoed on the bathroom tile and Perona resumed her make-up session "...Then my hair isn't pink."

"Your hair _ISN'T_ pink, you dye it!" Zoro protested, a little hurt.

"Sorry for the wait, it couldn't spot it between all the bottles." He handed her the clear bottle and sat on the bed, right by Zoro, taking his hand and filing his nails like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Don't worry" Perona answered. "Now Sanji, _dear_ " she said, mimicking the tone that he had used with her, which in case of Sanji sounded completely innocent, but that made Zoro sweat bullets. "With such a wide set of skills you must have everyone at your feet, right?"

Sanji laughed bashfully, gently brushing some remaining dust off Zoro's fingers and taking his other hand with the same care. Just now he had noticed that the back of Zoro's hand was speckled with freckles and moles. "Well that would be the case if they didn't think I am a lovesick fool" he laughed, a tinge of self-depreciation patent beneath his words. "But what can I do? I like making women happy, they don't need to reciprocate."

"You just let them walk all over you" Zoro spat while recoiling from his sister's attempts at putting eyeshadow on him.

Perona let out a long, thoughtful hum. "Thought you'd be baking whole racks of pastries for someone special."

"Well I-" he rubbed the tip of Zoro's fingers absentmindedly. "I mean I love cooking for my friends and god knows Luffy will gobble everything I offer to him within an arm's reach." He smiled fondly. He started spreading the black nail polish with the practiced ease Zoro had observed him do when they sat on the park just to kill time and Vivi had her make up pouch on her, turning the afternoon in a pampering outdoor session. "And you don't need to be dating someone to make them pastries... There are some who don't like pastries too. Sometimes it's a bit of a hassle to bring snacks for everyone because I want them to enjoy them, you know. And I'd hate it if there was someone who got left out because they didn't like what I brought or couldn't eat them. I even make cotton candy when Chopper joins because he has a sweet tooth but I don't want him to eat that bagged trash they sell on candy stores." To his credit, Perona looked a little surprised.

Zoro hummed in affirmation. "He puts it in this silly little paper with coloured dots and brings some for the rest too because the first time Luffy took half of it when he 'tried' it and Chopper cried like a baby." Because Perona couldn't apply the black lipstick on him as he talked, she focused on studying him. Despite his complaints, he looked quite relaxed. "Ah, I forgot to put the rings on."

"It's fine" Sanji mumbled. "You can do it when they dry. I was thinking..."

"You think?" Zoro asked.

"More than you do." Sanji spat. "Because today I have it free, why don't we call the group? Maybe come at my place, we cook something for dinner and then we go to the late sessions at the cinema. Maybe we can party or something, later. I want you to try my cooking too, Perona." He shot her a polite side glance as she focused now on styling the green lawn Zoro had for hair, first brushing (because of course Zoro had managed to have knots with short hair), and then styling it with the transparent hair gel that stuck the thin strands into messy, tiny tips. The mixture of alcohol and something else mixed in reminded Sanji of the ridiculous beard products Zeff used.

"Maybe some other day" she finally replied, and shot a small smile his way that pulled a shining smile from the blonde.

"Deal."

"Huh? And what about me?!" Zoro protested.

Sanji shot him an unimpressed pout. "I literally feed you. Every day. Out of the goodness of my heart."

Perona's eyebrows shot up and she turned towards her brother, looking too smug for Zoro's peace of mind "Oh-? So that's why you never take anything for lunch... And I was here thinking you just got sick of what I made..." She sighed dramatically.

"Your diet is based on pastries and ice-cream."

"An Mihawk makes extra sure to cook a lot of meat so you build muscle when you train. So much effort for you sneaking around!"

Zoro bristled, just a little. "Meat is not the only thing I need, and most of it goes to the fucking bird anyways!" Sanji knows what he's doing! And definitely whatever you cook doesn't get on the level to-" A ringtone cut the conversation short and a rather flustered Sanji excused himself and exited the room to answer it. By the yell on the speaker, it was Luffy.

Perona smiled triumphantly at his brother, who suddenly sat hunched forward, with his arms crossed but still mindful not to ruin the nail polish. "Good job lil' bro! Look at you! Standing up for him"

"I'm going to kill you and the police won't find you."

"Whatever you say." How Zoro wanted to wipe that knowing smile off her face. "You should thank me, that make up base I applied totally hides the blush. I can't believe even you can be cute sometimes."

"Dare to call me cute again and-!"

Sanji's head popped from the doorframe. "Oi, Zoro, dinner, movie and party?" The other gave a curt nod. From inside the room they could hear him talking. _Yeah, the mosshead's coming too. He let his sister and I dress him up for once, you'll see._ Zoro didn't want to acknowledge the way his voice sounded quite fond. Because he couldn't stand the way Perona looked at him as if saying _I told you so_ , he stood up and got in the bathroom. To see the result, of course, he wasn’t running away.

It was... Weird.

He examined his face first, twisting in every angle as he leaned as close to the mirror as humanly possible without touching it. Ok, maybe Perona didn't do it so bad. Perhaps the lipstick was a stretch because he was certain he looked a little like that asshole Eustass Kid, but it wasn't _awful_. It even made his cheekbones look sharper, tougher, and looking tough was something up his alley. The outfit, now, was _passable_. He hadn't managed to untangle the chains that rested at the side of his hip just yet but he'd get to it... At some point. If he was bored enough. The pants sure were obnoxious but he convinced himself he had enough black and murderous aura on him to deter anyone who even dared to suggest he might look like a clown. The combat boots were more than apt to kick down someone, too. He picked the rings he had tossed carelessly on the sink and placed them on his hands. One with a skull on the thumb, because it was too big for any other finger. _Tacky_ , he thought. The thinner ones on the index of the opposite hand and finally, a dirty silver one with a clean pattern on his ring finger. He inspected his works and he had to admit, he didn't hate the way his nails looked painted black. Of course, he wouldn't go like that to the dojo, all rings and polish, because Kuina would definitely say that _he was not taking it seriously_ and _do you really plan to hold a sword with Mr. Bones smiling up your thumb? Hope you like blisters_. He twisted the thing a little in his finger. _Tacky_ , he repeated in his mind.

"Looking good" Sanji said, resting against the door of the bathroom. "Looking very good." He gave Zoro a once-over, then another, biting his lip and nodding to himself with complete focus, as if he was trying to uncover a mystery. Zoro hid the wave of self-consciousness under all the attention clearing his throat and moving his neck from side to side, his bones giving a satisfying _pop_ after so long keeping the same position. That seemed to bring Sanji's attention back to his face. The blonde's mouth twisted first into the start of a word, then into a pressed smile, then a thin line, and he finally talked. "On my house then?" He pointed at the smartphone on his hand, emitting at a low volume the unquestionable ruckus on the other side of the line. "They are choosing the menu."

"Whatever you make's going to be fine. Why don't we have it here? There's more space and it's quieter." Zoro tried to sound as nonchalant as he could, blocking Sanji's access to the mirror through arranging and rearranging the leather jacket so he couldn't see how red he was flushing.

"I guess. Yeah, we could do that" he decided, voice small. Talked to their friends through the phone some more to settle everything in case Luffy decided to show up at Zoro's door demanding a helping of meat at half past five in the afternoon. "We have about two hours to get everything ready. I'd like to go shopping for the ingredients first and if we are quick I can help you put the pile of clothes back in your wardrobe. C'mon I need my pack mule!" Sanji demanded. Zoro would kick himself on the head eight times before admitting out loud the expression Sanji made was actually _very fucking cute_. He grabbed Zoro by the wrist and pulled towards the corridor.

"Wait a moment, I have to change" Zoro stated.

"What?!" Now, he sounded really offended. "No way. What happens?"

"I mean" Zoro pointed out at himself like it wasn't obvious.

"You look good where's the issue."

Zoro arched a brow. "Overdressed."

"And I wear a suit every fucking day and there's no problem with that."

"Cook..." The other kept trying to take him out and he was sure Perona would have pushed them out to the street with a kick with her rocking horse shoes had she not vanished into thin air the moment Sanji had dedicated to admire his finished work. "At least let me take the black lipstick out. I feel like I'm spreading the stuff over my face with just talking."

Sanji stared at him for a few more seconds, then gave a sharp 180º turn and went to pick his stuff. "Be quick. And don't take the rest off. I mean it, you look great."

He waited until Sanji was about to reach the corridor. "I mean if I can get the womanizer to praise me I guess I'll get laid tonight." He revelled on the way the blush spread up to the other's ears, with his pose straight and indignant, refusing to face him.

"Don't get cocky, marimo!"


End file.
